The Enigma of Motherhood

This is the first and probably only photo that I have breastfeeding my firstborn. When we first realised we were pregnant with bubs 2, I began planning how I would start weaning her after she turned 1, cos I wasn’t sure if I’d want to tandem feed and also because the hormones from being pregnant were making breastfeeding just too painful. When her birthday came and went, I tried dropping a feed and she wouldn’t have it. So I kept going, bearing with the pain and I came to the point where I felt I would be comfortable tandem feeding if I had to.

Unbeknownst to me, my little girl was growing up and in these past weeks, she gradually dropped feeds herself until only the feed before bedtime was left. One night I asked her if she wanted to feed, she burst into tears and said “no no”. This happened over several days and the day I realised she no longer needed me for this, it was I who cried. I sobbed in the shower, knowing this is only the first of many cords of relationship with my little one I’ll have to cut as she grows into her own independence & spreads her wings.

Perhaps she is more ready to be a big sister than I think she is.

Only 6-8 weeks left to go my darling. You’ll be the best older sister in the world 🙂

Motherhood is really an enigma. Some days you go through the hard and mundane everyday tasks and routines and you can’t wait for the day you don’t have to do them any longer – breastfeeding, nappies, bending down to pick them up even though your back is killing you from carrying another one, singing the same old song and reading the same old book for the millionth time. But one day you suddenly realise that you aren’t doing those things anymore and you can’t even remember the last time you did it. And it breaks your heart to think you didn’t savour and memorise that very last experience. So now, I remind myself to do every little mundane mum thing with as much joy and love as I can muster, for the day will come when I won’t have to do them anymore and I know I will miss it & ache for it with every fibre of my being.